Often when sitting around at thirtyninehotel I like to regale my friends and associates with stories of old. One of my favorite tales is the Epic of Koogle Peanut Butter. As the story goes, Koogle was a flavored peanut butter for children that was around for a few years in the 70’s before it disappeared. The flavors were banana, chocolate, vanilla, and cinnamon.
In my version, I tell of a T.V. advertisement featuring a group of kids jumping around excitedly at a birthday party when suddenly the Koogle Eyes Peanut Butter Man comes crashing through a wall, much to the children’s delight. As I recalled, the Koogle Man was basically a walking jar of peanut butter with eyes circling 360 degrees around his body with each eye slightly offset from the next. Immediately after the wall crash he would spin around, creating an effect with his unique eye arrangement which, for a small child, would be something akin to a psychedelic experience.
Because of the tale’s absurd nature, most listeners scarcely believed such a product existed, especially one marketed by the Koogle Eyes Peanut Butter Man, who, when described, sounds like a monster. In fact after telling the story on numerous occasions in a rich variety of company, I never came across another person who remembered Koogle. Over time I came to doubt it myself. (Did I dream it?)
Well, much like how modern archeology lends credence to legends of old, Google has proven the Epic of Koogle to be true. Granted, I was mistaken on some of the details, but considering the story is about something I ate when I was four, my memory is understandably hazy. For example, the part about the kids at a party is probably my own invention. Likely I confused it with Kool-Aid’s party-crashing, anthropomorphic pitcher of sugar water — the one that says “Oh yeah.” But as the illustration demonstrates, the Koogle Eyes Man was in fact real, as was Koogle Peanut Butter. Touché nonbelievers.